


Fleeting

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alcoholic Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Depressed Booker | Sebastien le Livre, but really... what else is new, it's sad I guess, midnight conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27071002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: “You wanna know the worst part is?” Booker slurs suddenly, eyes glassy and unfocused but Nicky still nods, if a bit hesitant, “Even when I’m happy, I can’t feel it.”“What does that mean?” he doesn’t know why he’s entertaining this but it’s better than the silence, he supposes.“I know it won’t last.”
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova
Comments: 11
Kudos: 128





	Fleeting

Nile had told them about Quynh, how she was no longer in the ocean, months ago and they had been restlessly searching for her but the dreams hadn’t been clear enough to really give any concrete leads. Until one night, Nile had woken up with Booker’s name on her lips, telling them that Quynh had found him rather than them. 

They had called Booker immediately and he had told them that he’d bring her to them eventually, that even though she was fastly adapting to the modern world, she still had difficulties and he was trying to help her. It had been a struggle to make Andy stay put but she had relented after a private conversation with their exiled brother. She had looked upset after the phone call and Nicky felt his blood boil at the idea that Booker had hurt her again but Andy had quickly denied the notion and with sorrow in her voice, she had told them that Quynh apparently wanted some time before seeing her again. 

And then, a few months later, the two of them showed up on their doorstep and Nicky still couldn’t quite believe that he was able to hold his long lost sister in his arms again. So many tears were shed that evening and Booker and Nile had slipped away to give them some privacy. It was tense and awkward to have Booker around but Quynh hadn’t been willing to part from him so soon and they accepted the request. 

It’s a week later that Nicky wakes up to footsteps outside the door and he can’t quite place the feeling he gets when he recognizes the pattern easily, it’s Booker moving around out there. He hears the sliding door leading out to the balcony open and rolls over to sling his leg over Joe’s to try and go back to sleep. 

But sleep doesn’t come and he bites back a groan when he sees that an hour has passed already. He uncurls himself from his lover and silently pads out of the room, making sure to close the door gently behind him as to not wake up his lover. There’s a moment of hesitation before Nicky can bring himself to step outside to join Booker.

He feels disappointed when he sees that his cheeks are flushed even in the darkness of the night, only the far away street lamp provides them some light. Still, Nicky takes a seat in the lawn chair next to him, nose twitching at the smell of whiskey lingering in the air as Booker raises his glass in greeting. 

They sit there in silence for a long while. Nicky isn’t even sure what he’s doing out here, he has been waiting for the moment that Quynh says they can tell Booker to leave again and he knows that the younger man knows it too. He can see it in the way he refuses to meet their eyes properly and how he keeps himself from speaking to them. It might be cruel of Nicky but he is still angry with Booker for what happened and he hasn’t done a single thing to make up for it. It was pure chance that Quynh found him first - at least that is what Nicky wants to believe, he doesn’t dare ask for what the real reason is. 

“You wanna know the worst part is?” Booker slurs suddenly, eyes glassy and unfocused but Nicky still nods, if a bit hesitant, “Even when I’m happy, I can’t feel it.” 

“What does that mean?” he doesn’t know why he’s entertaining this but it’s better than the silence, he supposes. 

“I know it won’t last.” Booker sighs and goes to take another sip but frowns when he realises the glass is empty, a laugh escapes and it doesn’t stop even as a tear rolls down his cheek, the sound borders into something hysterical, “It never fucking _ lasts. _ ” 

“Hey-” Nicky reaches out to pat his shoulder but Booker suddenly stands up, “it’s okay.” he finishes lamely, looking up at him in concern as he leans on the railing as if it’s the only thing keeping him standing. 

“How do you all handle it?” Booker whispers into the night but Nicky hears it loud and clear; the exhaustion and the hopelessness. “It’s all so fleeting. Everything except the pain. That part always remains.” 

“You’ve gotta focus on the good things.” Nicky says but it sounds weak even to his own ears, even though he believes it wholeheartedly. He knows Booker doesn’t. 

“I just want it to end.” 

Nicky doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t think there is anything he could say that would make it better and this is probably the worst part for him, the moments where he can do nothing to help. He hates that it’s always been this way with Booker. 

“I’m sorry.” he forces the words out and they feel like gravel in his throat, tastes like ash on his tongue. 

“No.” Booker shakes his head and turns to face him properly, eyes clearing slightly, “Don’t be. I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you.” 

“Booker-” Nicky starts, but still, he doesn’t know what to fucking say _.  _ He wishes he could do something,  _ anything,  _ to make this better. 

“No.” Booker says, his voice more steady now, “You look guilty.” he tilts his head a little, the corner of his lips tugging upwards in a soft smile, “You shouldn’t. It’s not your fault I’m broken.” 

Where are the words when he needs them? Nicky knows hundreds of languages, both dead and alive, but now, they all seem to have left his mind. He opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water and Booker is still smiling at him, seemingly oblivious to the turmoil inside of him. Is this what Booker has felt all these years? Unseen and hopeless? 

“You’ll take care of Quynh, won’t you?” Booker asks after a while, pushing himself away from the railing. 

“Yeah.” Nicky croaks out and Booker nods, pats him on the shoulder, touch so light that it’s barely even there and then he steps back inside. 


End file.
